Four
signs. Two are stickers. Two are removeable, hung in place with
suction cups. One display in the back windows of four different
cars. Same message on each.
Baby on board
We
should probably be clear about a few things, right from the beginning.
Babies are awesome. I have no problems with babies or kids. But
I have always had some difficulties with signs such as these.
They imply that that I should improve my driving or make significant
decisions because of the contents of another car. And while there
is at least a bit of something worthy of consideration there,
it spirals off into all sorts of thoughts.
To
start with, at various moments, am I driving differently? Less
safe at this time and more safe at that? We change radio stations,
catch up with friends by using the phone, and generally do vary
in offering our complete and unwavering attention. Will a sign
change that and improve someone’s driving?
(And
yes, I know I said more safe. It doesn’t bother me. If it bothers
you, this is about my driving, not my grammar.)
And
what if I need to react to an extreme scenario? A hazard suddenly
appears in front of me, and I have to swerve to the right or to
the left. Do I take action based on your baby on board sign? What
if the other car has a baby, but just didn’t put a sign in the
window?
What
if you don’t actually have a baby on board?
Ok,
yes, we got there. (And pretty quickly.)
What
if there isn’t always a baby on board? Not a lie. Just put the
sign up, and then little or no effort to keep the sign accurate.
What if every so often, and possibly on a fairly regular basis,
there’s no baby in your car at all? Where’s your sign saying there
isn’t a baby on board?
There
is no car in the world that always has a baby inside of it. Not
one. Strollers have higher baby occupancy rates than cars, and
I have yet to meet a parent that can say without exception, one-hundred
percent of the time, the stroller they push has a baby in it.
(Even something as simple as a couple out for the day, one holding
the baby and shopping bags placed in the stroller for a few moments
means a stroller being used without a baby in it.)
I
repeat, there is no car in the world that always has a baby inside
of it.
(If
I wanted to be funny, I’d make the point about parents always
being exhausted. I’d mention how overwhelmed they can be remembering
diaper bags and toys and everything else that needs to be packed
to go anywhere with a baby. I might even raise it to another level,
and mention the extra stuff brought just in case or to help prevent
meltdowns. After putting those into place, I’d then ask you to
consider if those same parents are always going to remember to
take the sign off the window, bring the sign in, put the sign
with stuff to bring next time, carry the sign back to the car,
and hang the sign in the window. The answer: Not a chance.)
Two
of the signs were stickers. Not signs hanging from a plastic suction
cup thingy. Not some removeable and reusable decal. A permanent
sticker in place. And one of the removable signs? Back window
of a pickup truck. A pickup truck with a toolbox in the bed and
a contractor’s business information on the doors.
There
is no car in the world that always has a baby inside of it.
Drive
more safely around this car because there’s a baby in this car.
It’s ok to drive less safely around that car because the driver
didn’t care enough to tell you there’s a baby in that car. Pay
no attention behind the curtain and into the seats to see if there
even is a baby in the car.
(Pause.
Stand in field. Take deep breath. Look toward the skies and scream.)
Decades
ago, when the signs first appeared, a friend of mine joked that
he had to fight off the desire to crash his car into any car displaying
such a sign. He would never actually do that. He never did do
that. He was simply making a joke, with a startling level of exaggeration,
about the sign generating responses that quite likely weren’t
the responses intended.
Congratulations
on the baby. Sorry to say, I’ve already moved on to ignoring your
sign.