Easy
people, this isn’t anything about betrayal or juicy gossip. Not
looking to consider obligations and more. We won’t be heading
down the road of defining friendship.
It’s
about terminology. General terminology.
The
most obvious path of dot connecting in this regard would be friendships
and relationships. You have a friend. Becomes a girlfriend. Becomes
a fiancée. Becomes a wife. The question would be, does
she ever stop being your friend?
Joe
and Samantha. Been friends for ten or more years. Started dating.
Wedding date is early next year. At some point, it’s very likely
Samantha introduced Joe to people with “…and this is my friend
Joe…” or something close to that. Once married, I believe most
of us would naturally believing Samatha will shift to “…and this
is my husband Joe…” when bringing him around. But, is “…and this
is my friend Joe…” wrong at that point?
That
word naturally is in the last paragraph. Intentionally. Because
most of us might be having a hard time with the question even
being asked. Continuing to say friend feels awkward in ways we
can’t describe. “Well, Joe is her husband now” is floating around
in our thoughts, almost as if a husband cannot be a friend for
a wife. And we’re stuck in a conflict of ideas, since almost all
of us will agree that husbands and wives can’t be friends, making
the statement itself accurate.
Ok,
so it’s awkward. It feels wrong. And I’m kidding about husbands
and wives being friends. But it’s actually still accurate to say
there’s a progression most expect, leaving one right up against
improper to use whether accurate or not. That’s where my slightly
askew thoughts and tilted head begin to wonder: Where is the transition
point? Is there a specific action or event or realization, after
which my friend could be or should be or must be referred to as
something different?
Is
my fiancée no longer my friend?
(Quick
pause. I want to make the jokes. Is a wife a friend? Lots of room
in there for funny quips. Not the point. This isn’t about relationship
humor. Not telling dad jokes. Not making fun of dumb boyfriends.
Jokes are most definitely off to the side.)
There
does seem to be a strange environment for the romantic relationships,
however. A friend can become a best friend, but “and this is my
friend…” doesn’t get changed at all. But when it comes to a couple,
we have friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancée, fiancé,
roommate, partner, wife, husband, and spouse.
I
suppose some of it applies to the scenario involved. You know,
reading the room. You might not be ready to tell your mother that
you’re moving in with someone. Maybe the introduction to grandparents
or kids or so on needs to go slowly. Moments where “…kids, this
is my friend…” is the way to go.
Still,
this entire idea came out of a different debate. I was out with
my fiancée. Yup, we’re engaged. Met up with some friends
of mine for dinner, and when we first met, I offered “…this is
my friend…” as the introduction. They know we’re engaged. My girlfriend
knows we’re engaged. But there it was “…this is my friend…” followed
by handshakes and hugs.
Did
it become a topic for laughs for a bit? Absolutely. Wrong? Well…
Me:
“Hey guys, this is my friend.”
Fiancée
(laughs): “You’re friend?”
Friends
(laugh)
Me
(laughs): “Well,” (brief pause for consideration) “yeah, we
are still friends, right?”
Laughter
and a wonderful dinner followed.
But
I continued to wonder.
At
some point in the not-too-distant future, I’ll be marrying my
friend. If asked today, I’d tell you she’s my best friend. That
won’t change by tonight. I don’t expect it to change next week.
I believe I’ll be saying it after we’re married. Girlfriend, fiancée,
wife. My best friend regardless of the label. (And not the least
of a thought that I’ll ever arrive at considering the label of
ex-wife.)
~ ~
~ ~ ~
(Ok,
one joke that kind of applies. I’m not going to dig deeply and
find it, but there is something of a toast as I recall. “Here’s
to wives and girlfriends, may they never meet.” For some, perhaps
that’s the realization you were looking for.)